Define Ok
by miracleboi
Summary: Noah is diagnosed with MS and he is trying to deal with it without Luke's help, but it fails miserably
1. Chapter 1

Title: Define Ok

Chapter: 1

Rating: M

Summary: Noah is diagnosed with MS

Characters: Luke, Noah, Dr Hughes

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Now Noah, I want to make this quite clear to you, seeming as you do have Multiple Sclerosis doesn't mean the end of the world. There are treatment and medications we can prescribe for you to help you cope through the day. You will be able to live a normal life at this stage but we will keep an eye on things. As soon as anything changes, we will come back and look at what changes need to be made"

Noah was looking towards the ground at the carpet at his feet. Sitting in Dr Hughes office not looking at him, taking in what news he had just been told. He had been getting weaker since the shooting and kidnapping with Zac and Zoe. He wasn't sure how he could even begin to comprehend the situation he would now be living in.

"Noah, do you understand what I am saying? It is not the end of the world young man. You should at least still be able to be yourself. As for when things will significantly change I am not sure. That depends on a number of things and how willing you are to work on things to keep most changes at bay so to speak" Dr Hughes continued on.

He looked at Noah. He was unable to see he's face or what type of reaction he was having to the news that he was giving him. He knew it was somewhat that Noah wouldn't be able to handle this news at all, but he knew he had the support of Luke and he's whole entire family behind him and with that he prayed and hoped that it would bring some sort of comfort and healing to Noah as well as Luke. Luke would be affected by this as well. He hated to see such a wonderful person and couple have their worlds turned inside out.

"Noah, please speak to me. Your silence isn't somewhat of a comfort to me and if you do need someone to talk to I am can give you a referral to a wonderful Physcitrian who can help you if you feel you need to talk to someone more less out of the loop here and someone who can help make you understand better"

Noah looked over at Dr Hughes. In some way he knew he was right but in another way he really did need to see a physc in a way. He wasn't crazy at all. He was just trying he's best to come to terms with what he had just been told. He was just wondering how he could even begin to make any changes to he's life.

The only other thing that came into he's mind was how he would even tell Luke. God how could he even put Luke through this, I mean look at what has happened to him, both of them actually. From he's own father killing he's mother, then trying to kill Luke. Then there was the whole Ameera situation which he caused himself, then blaming Luke for he's dad jumping in New York Harbour and killing himself.

Luke then trying to run for Oakdale University student president and the rigging the student election. God how stupid that whole situation was and became, but they found their way back to each other again. Then the whole Brian situation, god how fucked up was that really was. But again they found their way back to each other, but not before Damian came back into the picture and crazy Zac and Zoe kidnapping and shooting situation. Just crazy but in a way it had made them strong. But how could this really make things any better or even bring them or keep them together in the first place?

Maybe he had to accept that he would have to do this without Luke's help. Without the support of both Luke and he's family. How could this even keep them together, It wouldn't be even be fair to make Luke at he's side. Trying to accept this whole new situation that he would now himself have to face. No, no he had to do this on he's own, without he's support at all. The question is how?


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Define Ok

Chapter: 2

Rating: M

Summary: Noah is thinking, still coming to terms with having MS

Characters: Noah, Luke, Dr Hughes

Genre: AU

Warnings: 

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Noah are you ok, do you understand what we talked about?" Dr Hughes said with clear frustration that Noah had hardly replied or even said anything to this point in their session so far.

He continued to look at the window outside behind Dr Hughes. He could see he's world beginning to fall around him. The world outside turning shades of grey and becoming cold.

He didn't even think as he replied "I...I do. I just need time to get my head around this all" sounding cold and withdrawn.

"Well I completely understand and again as I said that I can refer you to someone you can talk to if needs be. I can also do the same for Luke if needs be as well"

"Why would Luke need that? He doesn't and he won't" Noah said getting defensive

"Well he, he might need it just in case he feels he needs someone other than yourself or he's family to try and at least get some sort of understanding. I am not trying to mean or say that he won't be able to cope, but he find it somewhat good to talk to someone who is outside the loop of what is happening. I would recommend the same for you Noah"

"Look Doc, I am sure that we will both be able to cope and if we need support we have our won friends and family who can help us. If we need help it certainly won't be from a shrink at all. I nor Luke doesn't need their help at all. We will cope and survive....somehow" Noah says looking away getting frustrated at the whole situation he had now found himself in.

"I have no doubt on that, but the offer is there on the table if needs be anyway. So please feel free to come and see me. In a week's time we need to organise to have some more blood test done to see how far advanced the MS is and what we can exactly put you on to help treat any pain you may experience as such. We also need to go through some exercises you can do to help try to minimise pain and increase your chances at keeping the full effects minimal to say the least"

With that Dr Hughes gave Noah an appointment card. He looked at it for a minute, trying to work out whether or not to take it. Placing he's hand on the desk, he took the appointment card and slowly rose out of the chair, not saying a word and walking out the door.

Once outside in the waiting room, he made the appointment. He scanned around the room looking at the other patients. Hardly any emotion showing and if so all that could be seen or told would be sadness and upset. He could hardly understand as to why he never really felt this before. Feeling like he was no longer in control of he's life.

Why did he feel that he no longer belonged within Oakdale. Like he had no right to even be seen around the place or even be seen at all near anyone he thought he knew or wanted to know him at all.

"Ok so your appointment is for next Thursday at three ok, so if you could be here at least twenty minutes before hand it would be appreciated" the secretary said with a smile, handing Noah he's appointment card.

"Yeah......Thank" Noah said as he placed he's hand in he's jacket and walked of the clinic.

He looked into the sky, clouds beginning to form on the horizon. "What do I do now?" he said to himself. He knew in a way what he had to do but the problem was how?

How could he explain to Luke that he would be the only one having to change him when he couldn't, nurse him, change him, practically do everything and anything for him.

How could he even believe that Luke would want to be with him or want to stay a partner with him now at all? With how everything has changed, how could he even see a future at all with Luke now that things have changed?

In some way Noah wished he had all the answers right now but with he's mind now working overtime the answers could not even begin to make any sense at all.

Would there be answers at all or would there always be wonder and doubt?

The one thing that still remained is that he would need to tell Luke, but how? And should he even do it right now or should he wait? Or should he just pray at all that nothing would happen at all and pretend that nothing has changed or would even ever change at all.

No, no he had to tell Luke, but he didn't want to.

He walked over to he's truck, placed the keys in the door and sat in he's car. For the first time he held he's hand against the wheel as tears began to flow, sobbing and crying now filling the car. A world slowing down, a person breaking down, never the same again.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 3

Chapter: 3

Rating: G

Summary: Noah gets home, luke tries to talk to Noah

Characters: Luke, Noah

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Luke had been at home for over an hour. He thought it was strange that Noah had not been home when it had been his day off. He then went into 'home maker' mode as Noah sometimes called it, doing the general cleaning and house duties.

He was in the kitchen when he heard the keys enter the front door. He's eyes lighting up in the direction of the lounge room watching as Noah slowly entered, looking weak and upset.

Sensing this Luke walked over and brought Noah into him, holding him and rubbing he's back trying to let him now he is here for him.

Looking back, holding he's arms against Noah's he looked into those dark blue eyes. He could see that he had been crying. Those eyes telling how much sadness he was feeling and having. He instantly wanted to know what was happening as everything had seemed fine this morning.

In some way Luke started to think that Noah wanted to leave him. That he might have actually found someone else and wanted to be with him instead. Worry started to fill he's head as he instantly, giving him doubts and feelings of hurt.

"Are.....are you ok Noah?" Luke asked, still holding Noah's shoulder

"Ah yeah, everything's fine, why?" Noah quickly answered back

"No...no everything isn't fine. You're lying to me, actually trying to hide something and I know it. Please, just please Noah tell me what is wrong so I can try to at least help you?" Luke said still looking at Noah, holding him.

"What makes you think I am lying Luke. There isn't anything to tell ok. It's just.....just been a very, very long day" Noah moved away from Luke, trying to get away and get out of answering Luke's question.

He knew that Luke was now having doubts and starting to worry. He hoped that Luke wasn't thinking he was cheating on him or something. But he just couldn't get the will or even the guts to tell Luke.

How could he tell him that he would have to do nearly everything in the future in this relationship? How could he tell the one he loved that he would slowly waste away and become something he would hate or despise so much?

How could he tell the one he loved that the world they once shared in such happiness was finally crashing down. Turning fields of colours and rainbows into stormy and unstable times. A future he ever wanted to face or put through Luke at all.

It was just unfair to Luke and to himself. But Luke has to come first, not him. The happiness he wants for Luke shouldn't end like this at all, it should remain.

"Please....please Noah, tell me what is going on? You have me worried here now" Luke said, he's voice trembling.

"Nothing.....nothing is wrong Luke ok. So just please drop it ok" Noah said looking away walking into the kitchen to make a coffee and not looking at he's boyfriend.

Luke looked towards Noah. He knew he was still lying to him and it worried him to bits. It worried him that Noah wouldn't open up to him, tell him the truth. It just makes matters worse for him and makes him doubt how Noah actually feels for him.

He walked over to Noah, into the kitchen and placed he's hands around he's waist.

"Please Noah please tell me what's wrong? Why are you upset and why have you been crying"

Noah stopped stirring the coffee in he's mug as he looked straight ahead of him. A deep sigh escaped him. He knew he couldn't keep lying to Luke and wouldn't be able to keep it a secret any more.

"I have MS Luke, that's what's wrong. I have fucking MS and there is nothing I can honestly do about it to stop or take this away ok" Noah said finally turning around to see Luke.

Luke looked at Noah he could see he was becoming upset and frustrated. The News that he's boyfriend had MS and there was nothing he could do to take it away. He knew it sounded pathetic that he wanted to fix Noah and make him better. Take away this burden and pain but it is how he felt.

He's heart became broken and sad. Noah was this kind hearted person and to have this......this debilitating disease was unfair and he wanted to do something. He wanted to just lift all Noah's worried from him and make him understand that he would be there for him no matter what he did.

"Noah, bubby, come here, follow me" he said intertwining his hands with Noah's, both walking out o the kitchen and into the lounge room.

They both sat down at the couch, Luke still looking upset while Noah's face told nothing. Just cold and lonely. Luke placed he's hand on Noah's cheek and brought him in to kiss. The kiss that he tried to help solve a little bit of the pain for them both, but Noah seeming to reject.

"Noah, please, I am trying my best here to understand what you are going through but you're not making this any easy on me. I want to be here for you but I can't if you keep pushing me away. I want you to know I am not going anywhere and I am here to stay, for us, for our future" Luke pleaded.

Noah just sat there, looking at Luke. He's face just cold and unreadable as he said "May be we don't have a future".


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 4

Chapter: Chapter 4

Rating: MA

Summary: Noah tries to make Luke understand

Characters: Noah, Luke

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Noah what do you mean we don't have a future together? What the hell is up with you? Of course we have a future. You are my one true love, my happy ending"

"Some happy ending this is turning out to be huh? What do you think Luke? There is no way with what is going to happen to me say in either days, weeks, months, hell even years maybe as to how bad I am going to be and hell, I might as well stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life and sticking with me when that happens" Noah said, spitting out the words making it sound as if Luke was not even with him

"Noah what the fuck do you mean? Of course I am going to be here every step of the way. I know that it is easy to say it now but trust me; I am not going to cut and run. I am certainly not that type of guy that's for sure. I will be here no matter how bad you get. I love you too much to give that up just because of this. You....You know we are stronger than this to let it affect our relationship. You of all people should know that Noah" Luke stated, trying he's best to convince Noah he wasn't going anywhere at all

"Luke for once in your life, would you get your head of those clouds and actually come back to earth, as in reality. I am sorry to say the reality is that I know that this is going to get worse. Yeah you say you're going to stick around now, but come the actually time that I really will need you? You will piss off to someone better than me. So why not just get it over and done with right now. Saves us both the heartache and pain down the track and allows us to somewhat heal now, well more so myself than you, when I can't speak or won't even remember. When I am a vegetable really" Noah said, still cold and unemotional.

"How........How could you say all that and expect me to believe that I will do this. It... It sounds like Noah you have made the decision for me how I feel and what I supposedly want, when it is the exact opposite really... I just don't understand why you're acting like this. I mean I have told you, I am not going anywhere and I am here to stay and help support you and help you cope as best we both can with this Noah. Why can't you believe me on that?" Luke said tears beginning to form in he's eyes.

He couldn't understand as to why Noah was being like this. So distance and directive. Why he had made up he's mind before even discussing it with him? He's boyfriend for god sake. It made Luke wonder did Noah actually love him at all, or had this become some sort of sham or just convenience for Noah? How could he get Noah to change he's mind when he had made it up already. He wondered what could now possibly happen to them.

"Because Luke I have to be the one who makes the decisions here, that's why. Yes I have made up my mind because this......this is something unfair on us, on me and its scary Luke. It's scary to think that you will actually be here for me doing all sorts of things for me just because I can't do it for myself. It's unfair to say the least but it is the truth. I am giving you a way out of this contract of agreement we have so it doesn't stop you from having what I believe will be a normal life ok. So just accept it please Luke. For me, as if you truly do Love me, you will understand and do this for me ok?"

"No....no sorry Noah I....I can't and won't accept this at all. You can get mad at me, hit me, do whatever you like to me, but in the end I will still be here whether you like it or not. So Please....please Noah listen to me. I love you and I am not giving you up just because of this ok. I am here to stay and support you. Not only will you have my support, but my family, our families support too Noah. So please...please understand" Luke said, placing he's hand under Noah's chin, bringing his head and eyes up to he's.

He looked at Noah's Blue eyes, trying to search for the answer he was looking for. The answer that Noah understood what he was saying. That he wasn't going to give up at all, but instead he found just cold, lonely eyes, twitching.

Tears began to well up, falling down Luke's cheek. He knew that Noah had made up he's mind and that he wasn't going to change it anytime soon. It broke he's heart. He wondered why Noah would just give up like that. Was he such a bad boyfriend that he had to do this, to them?

"Luke...just please listen to me. I know that you love me and that's why I am asking you to do this, for me. If you truly do love me then you will do as I ask. As your family, I know they are there for you, but they are there for you more than me so please, please don't make this any harder than it has to be. Just let me be, let me go the way I want to ok"

Noah hoped that Luke could see from he's perspective what he was asking. He didn't want to bog Luke down like this. He was young, smart and sexy and deserved to be with someone who in the end would truly appreciate and love him the way he should be loved. Not like the way Noah would end up being. That would be unfair to him and continue to break he's heart like it was now.

This was the hardest thing for Noah. He didn't truly understand why he was doing it, but he knew it needed to be done. Yes it was breaking his heart into a million pieces but it's what did have to be done. He just hoped in the end, Luke wouldn't hate him.....much

Luke sobbed hard, tear flowing from his eyes as he looked at Noah who just sat there with no emotion of care in the world to what he was doing to him. He got up and walked over to their bedroom as he turned back around to face Noah

"WHY NOAH..... WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US......TO ME? DO YOU TRULY LOVE ME? DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT US OR IS THIS JUST SOME SICK JOKE TO YOU? ALWAYS PLAYING ON MY FUCKING EMMOTIONS? WELL IF SO FUCK YOU" Luke yelled as he turned and went into the bedroom.

All that could be heard then was the bedroom door slam and Luke beginning to cry, howling in fact. Draws slamming and mumbling coming from the bedroom is all that could be heard. Noah knew he had hurt Luke, but he had hurt himself. But this had to be done. It was the right thing to do....... hopefully.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 5

Chapter: 5

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Noah, Alison

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

The house now felt empty. Luke had left Noah after going into the bedroom for well over an hour. He had packed what seemed most of he's clothes and things and thrown a bit of a tanty at the same time as Noah could see he's clothes thrown about, the bed covers thrown around and other things laying about.

He knew that he had begun to break Luke's heart and his own, but it had to be done. This certainly in the long term be fair to them both, having Luke nurse him like some vegetable, not being able to do just about anything for himself without Luke being there for him.

He had to do this on he's own. He had to do with without Luke, as much as he wanted Luke here now to comfort him, from a longer term perspective it would be selfish and heart wrenching to put Luke through everything and suffer not only living he's life, but also living both their lives confined to the house forever.

He had cleaned up as much as he'd body would allow and was now lying under the covers of their bed they once shared. He could still smell Luke within the sheets. He took a deep breath, inhaling that smell as tears began again.

He had been reduced to nothing now, crying he's heart out, telling the one he loved that he well no longer loved or needed him when it was the exact opposite he needed to have him love him right now, comfort him and support him. He's life become grey forever. Cold and lonely, that's what scared him.

He knew that if his father was here right now, he would have definitely called him a sissy and that only 'poofs' cry, real men deal with this pain and don't let it control their lives. He could hear he's father's voice then replaced with Luke's trying to tell him that he loved him no matter what and wanted to be with him to help him.

Tears just fell as he quietly sobbed into the pillow, holding onto it for dear life and wishing he's life would now end. He watched in he's mind as to how much of a fucked up life he had been living up until Luke came into his life. How happy he had been in nearly every sense of the way, even though he had made mistakes with Luke. They had always worked things out and come back to each other one way or another.

Noah remained in bed until he heard a knock at the door. His first instinct was to just ignore it but they kept knocking until a voice could be heard asking him to open the door. A female voice he had become good friends with.

"NOAH OPEN UP. I KNOW YOUR IN THERE STOP TRYING TO HIDE WILL YOU!" Alison said as she pounded the door with her fist. She had just spent the longest hour of her Life with a very broken down and upset Luke and she needed to hear what Noah had to say and what he intended to do.

"NOAH JUST OPEN THE GOD DAMN DOOR WILL YOU. AS I SAID I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE AND I WILL STAY HERE UNTIL YOU DO. YOU HAVE TO COME OUT SOMETIME YOU KNOW"

Noah tried he's best to stay quiet but he felt defeated at this time. He knew Alison would know he was there because he's truck was parked right out front. He slowly rose out of he's bed, taking his time to get out of the room and slowly walk towards the front door.

Alison was getting more edgy, angry to say the least. She couldn't believe Noah would do such a thing and now giving her that same kind of treatment, obviously he was in need of a good slap around the head and a bit of a wakeup call.

She was becoming impatient as she was still standing looing against a wooden front door.

"NOAH OPEN UP PLEASE! COME ON JUST OPEN UP FOR CHRIST SAKE!"

Noah had been standing on the other side of the wondering if he should open the door. He really wasn't in the mood for a lecture let alone a full blown assault on himself about what he had just done.

No he just wanted to be left alone and for everyone to but in and tell him he is being an ass and to go off at him, no he just wanted to crawl into a whole and die – ALONE!

"NOAH...FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU BETTER OPEN UP OR...." Alison stopped as she heard the door unlock and Noah stand beside the door, looking cold, upset and tired.

"About bloody time too. Now what the hell is going on?" Alison said crossing her arms across her chest

"I don't know what you're talking about Alison, everything is hunky dory, fine a fiddle, peachy and rosy" he said trying to not only to convince Alison, but himself too.

"FINE.....FINE, well then you must be Blind shall I say Noah, because I have just spent the longest bloody hour of my Life down at Al's with a very heart broken Luke, who happens to tell me that her supposed Boyfriend who supposedly loves him, has gotten some fucking nerve and broken up with him because he thinks he won't handle the fact he Has MS and wont cope. So Please Noah, humour me here because if that's not what's going down, then I don't know what is? Have you too taken something we all should know about?"

"Look Alison, I am not really in the mood to talk and I have to get a paper done for tomorrow, o please could you just drop it and let myself and Luke deal with the problem please?" Noah pleaded hoping Alison would go away.

"Oh no you don't bucko. I am here to sort this shit out, because if I can't then you might have a bigger problem with the parents or maybe a certain grandmother perhaps" Alison said with a smirk rising on her face.

Noah looked at her as she knew that she was right. I she couldn't explain it to say the least to her, then how would he go trying to convince Holden or Lilly. And as for Lucinda, now that's something scary in itself and he silently prayed he wouldn't have to go down that track as much as he knew he might have to

"Look Alison, I don't care what you have go to say or what you want to do because it's not going to work ok. So just drop it and let it go. Now if you don't mind, please leave me the hell alone ok?" Noah demanded, trying to shut the door but was stopped by Alison placing her hand forcefully on the door pushing it back open again

"OH NO YOU DON'T. You and I are going to have this chat whether you like it or not"

Fear then struck Noah, as this was the last thing he wanted to do today ....


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 6

Chapter: Chapter 6

Rating: M

Summary: you will have to read to find out

Characters: Noah, Alison

Genre: AU

Warnings: Some Mild Language

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Ok so are you going to tell me what is going on here? Because I will be damned if I let you to split like this Noah, I know you love him too much to do this?"

Alison said as they had now moved from standing out the front of the house to inside in the lounge room on the couch.

Noah had just made them both a coffee as he sat back down, he really wasn't in for doing this right now, but he knew Luke too well. He knew he would be around tell everyone what he had done, if not their closets friends would be and if it wasn't Alison right before right now, it would either be Holden or Lilly, or both but even worse maybe one of he's grandmothers. Either Lucinda with her deathly stare and grinding words of wisdom or Emma with a shot gun in hand fully loaded!

"Look Alison, I have my reasons and yes its kills me for what I have done, it was truly the last things, but you can't tell me that I did not make the right decision. I can't allow Luke to put he's whole entire life on hold just because of me, just because I might not be able to feed myself, or that I need to be changed because I can't do it, or go to the shower by myself. That is why I have done what I have. It would make me very selfish hoping or even beginning to think Luke would be able to cope with it all. He needs to Live he's life now and I have to accept and move on that I am going to end up in a place of hell, damned for the rest of my life, unable to live it the way I wanted to" Noah said, straight to the point as he took a sip of his coffee and waited Alison's response.

"You know what; yeah it might be selfish to think Luke might want to break up with you because YOU feel that he won't be able to cope. How do you even know that? How do you even know what he want Noah? Have you asked him at all or have you just jumped to the conclusion for him without thinking hmm?"

ALISON LOOKED OVER AT Noah and could tell he was thinking, but within seconds Noah replied

"Alison I don't have to justify my decisions or actions to you. What is done is done so please, unless you are here to help then please leave" indicating he wasn't here to have a fight or to argue with what he had done

"I am here to help and god damn it that's what I am going to do. You need to listen to me and let me finish and help you sort out this mess" Alison was interrupted as Noah begun to yell at her

"NOW YOU LISTEN HERE ALSION! I AM NOT HERE TO BE LECTURED BY YOU OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT FACT. THIS IS MY BODY AND MY LIFE, WHAT I DECIDED TO DO OR NOT TO DO IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN. YES I MIGHT HAVE HURT LUKE AND YES I HAVE MADE HE'S MIND UP FOR HIM, BUT DON'T SIT THERE AND LECTURE ME WHEN CLEARLY IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT, YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING THE SAME TO CASEY NOW WOULD YOU? SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE........ LIKE NOW!"

Alison was stunned; she had never seen Noah in such a rage before or even yell with such anger towards anyone.

She looked at Noah and could finally see the brick wall he had put up. She could finally see that, he was scared and knew why he was and she had to make him see that

"Noah I have no intention of leaving this house until we discuss what the real issue is here, which is you and your condition ok. I just don't understand why you did that. I mean are you scared? Is that what's wrong?" Alison asked

Noah thought about it for a second. Yes he was scared and that was the main thing, scared that Luke would leave him because he had always held him back, that's what

"Yes, yes I am fucking scared. I mean how can I not be. How can I put Luke through this? It's not fair on him. He is young and deserves someone who can look after him, properly that is. How can I ask the man I love to put he's whole life on hold just to support me, and me alone, to do everything that someone in a nursing home or hospital would have a nurse do. How can I do that Alison, you tell me how I can?" Noah said placing his hands through he's hair, clearly unsure of the right thing anymore, having his own doubts again

Alison thought about it for a moment. He did have a point, but still he had to ask Luke, not make up he's mind for him really. She had to make Noah see that.

"Look Noah, I get it, I do. Honestly it is hard and yes you might need to be put into hospital or a facility where there would be care for you twenty four seven, but that doesn't mean Luke will give up you completely. No it seems he will be there, that's what. I have heard of some new places that even allow for the partners, lovers, husbands, wives, whatever to live together in like a villa style setting but have access to specialist needs, so Luke will be there for you no matter what. HE will still be by your side Noah. Please, talk to him and fix this problem. You deserve happiness, you both do before things get worse as they are now" Alison said looking Noah directly in the eyes, pleading with him to see reason.

Noah thought about it for a moment. Again she had a point but still it might mean they would have to move away from Oakdale, and as Luke said in New York, he just couldn't do that right now. It would be too hard for them, for him. No he had made the right decision.

"Look Alison, please don't make me tell you this, because I know Luke will defend he's action when I tell you what I am about to tell you ok. Yes I had to make up he's mind. Why? Well because when Holden took us to see the Mets game in New York City, I was walking through Central Park with Luke and I was the happiest I would ever be. I even asked him or said we should move here, not straight away but maybe one day. He stopped and turned around and I instantly got the feeling I knew what he was going to say. He said he couldn't do it. He couldn't do it because he couldn't be away from he's family or friends or Oakdale for that fact. And that's what we both would have to do. That's why I decided what I believed would be the right choice for us both ok. So please just leave it ok"

Noah was now even more upset, saying those words still kind of stung, he had played them over in he's head in the truck on the way home as he knew Luke wouldn't just up and leave. He had to do what he knew would be right in the long term for them both.

"Noah, I am sure Luke didn't mean that I am sure if you talked to him about it he might have changed he's mind now he knows what is going on. Please Noah you two are right for each other. Don't let this get the better of you please. Please, please talk to him, if not tonight then tomorrow once you have slept and thought about it more ok"

Alsion got up off the couch as she grabbed her jacket heading towards the front door but not before turning around and looking at Noah as he stood up looking towards her Think about what I said please Noah. You will need he's support. You say and think you know Luke might leave you when the going gets tough but I don't think that is the case. He has proved that already. Just think about. For me ok"

With that Alison let herself out the front door. Noah slunk back onto the couch, now even more confused. He knew that Alison had her points and her reasons to prove Luke wouldn't leave but he said it himself, he wouldn't move away from Oakdale.

Ti was dark and cold and Noah just sat there alone, trying to figure out these thoughts he was having. Making sure they where the right ones and starting a plan of action to get things ready for when the morning came.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 7

Chapter: Chapter 7

Rating: G

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Noah

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Waking up in a cold lonely bed from now on in. What a very depressing life this is going to be for Noah Benjamin Mayer. Only 21, gay, felt love and lost it because of the fucking stupid disease. Why does life have to be so fucking hard? So fucking cruel? Life just sucks in general. It fucking sucks to the core" Noah whispered to himself.

He had been up most of the night thinking about what Alison had spoken to him about, how he really did miss Luke and how he just wanted him right next to him, but also how much he would need he's support. How he would also in the end need support from he's family and friends.

But upon thinking that another thought came in to replace it. A thought that gave himself doubt and sadness. Why did this world have to be so cruel to him and why would he even begin to think he would allow he's friends or the family he thought he had come in to support him. How could he even consider dragging them down deep into this depressed state, to where he was heading.

More importantly how could he do that to Luke? How could he think that would even be an opportunity where Luke wouldn't have to watch his every move, he's every breath? Why would he allow Luke to come to the cold and bitter lonely depths he would face?

No, Luke deserved better, hell everyone he knew would deserve better. It would be better if he left in the dark and never returned and that's just what he planned.

It wasn't easy to think or even consider given the situation. He tried to think of places he could go but came up with nothing until he thought he would start whatever remaining life he had in him in another part of the US, Chicago maybe or New York, Yeah New York, that's big enough. No one would ever consider looking for him there perhaps.

Maybe rent an apartment, get a good job and maybe see if he could move he's credits over. It would be hard to do because he wouldn't want Luke trying to find him, but maybe if he deferred he's studies for a year or two, maybe by then things won't be as bad and hopefully his Luke would have finally moved on to something more deserving. Some who can love him the way he wouldn't be able to.

He would have to leave in a couple of days though, after having the tests and stuff, giving notice at Java, then trying to find a place on the net before he left and paying down the bond for it in advanced, packing what he could into the truck, then at the dark of night, sneaking out of Oakdale once and for all. Starting a new chapter of he's life for however long it would last.

The plan would work as long as he kept to a tight and well thought out plan, inventory in fact. Making sure everything was done and done right. Down to the last bit of detail no one, not even Luke would discover he is gone until a few days or so.

He had begun packing what he could into bags the same night. Managing what sleep he could in between bursts of energy and thoughts he was having, he was doing ok to say the least but found that he was becoming slightly weaker. He knew why this was but continued to push himself, but the weakness starting to bug him with bits of pain shooting down he's arms and in his chest.

He had started to get ready for work. What surprised him was the sudden sharp pains he was feeling in he's stomach again. He had been getting them over the last couple of weeks but put it down to the infection he had.

He had gone to the Doctor to find out what was happening and they did the necessary test to try to find out what exactly he had wrong with him. That's when he got the bad news about having Multiple Sclerosis.

In a way he hated it now that he had the tests, as before them everything was ok, except for the pains in the arms and sudden weaknesses he had been having, on top of that the pains in the stomach he was having too.

Luckily the pain stopped after not long after being in the shower and he was able to continue but still found to have a lot of weakness in his arms. This somewhat scared him but he continued on his way no matter what.

Once out of the shower he thought about calling in sick to work, but decided against it. He had he's letter ready to give Jan the boss to say he was finishing up. He got dressed and made his way to Java to start his shift.

Once at Java it had been busy, with the Campus finals arriving for most students, a lot where coming in for their coffee fixes after cramming all night or to help them study. He had been rushed off his feet and barely had time to say hello to Jeff, he's co worker who had been looking at him funny all day.

He made a mental note to speak to him about it later, but his thoughts quickly turned to the woman who had come up to the counter demanding service.

"Well should I come around there and make my own coffee and give you a good old knocking over the head perhaps or do I need to just sit down and keep my mouth shut while my dear grandsons heart if breaking at home into a million pieces because of you hmm?" Lucinda said sharply

Noah looked at her. The day he had been dreading had come. It was time to face the wrath that was Lucinda Walsh as he begun to get her usual fix as he said "I will be right over, so take a seat and I will bring it to you ok"

Lucinda looked at him as she looked over he's shoulder to ask Jeff something "Jeff isn't it, is it ok if I speak with Noah and he takes a bit of a break. I need to have a few words to say the least about a very, very personal and urgent matter that needs he's full attention at this moment in time" Lucinda said trying not to sound to bossy but giving some hint to not say no at all

Jeff looked over at Lucinda then to Noah as he had heard they had split up and it was Noah that had broken it off but had not had the time to find out more. He wanted to find out more but decided he would try to find more out later on when things quietened down a bit.

"Yeah sure go ahead, Noah I will cover for you ok" Jeff said as he went back into serving and making the orders that had come through as Noah looked at Him and then to Lucinda as he made her order

"Great just what I need, to speak to the wicked witch of Oakdale, this isn't going to be easy" he said quietly to himself as he finished making Lucinda's order and begun to walk over to where Lucinda sat.

He took a deep breath and approach, ready for a war to end all wars...


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 8

Chapter: Chapter 8

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Noah, Jeff, Lucinda

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Here you are Lucinda, one large Mocha Latte with extra cream. Hope you enjoy it." Noah said placing her order in front of her, wanting to run away as fast as he could in the other direction.

"Aren't you going to sit down my dear boy, you're covered remember and we have the matter of my grandsons, sitting at home, alone I might add, crying his little heart out as it breaks into a million pieces all because of you. Yes you. So care t sit and explain to what caused all of this and how it might be fixed, because I for one am not going to leave you alone until it is" ordering Noah to sit down opposite her

"Look Lucinda, Ms Walsh, whatever I should say now. No Offence in sounding rude here, but if you care to take a look around, you might actually care to see that we are pretty busy and I certainly am not going to leave my fellow work colleague with all the work to be done. Maybe we can have this chat some other time when it's not busy to say" Hoping he just didn't sound rude to Lucinda Walsh, as he knew her bark and her bite was just as bad as the other.

Lucinda stunned for the first time she had been spoken to in such a manner by a person she cared about very much. Yeah ok she may have been hurt by Brian but there is no comparison here.

She liked Noah, in the sense that she felt and always treated him like a grandson because of their love for one another. Her heart was breaking mainly because Luke's was and there really nothing much she could do about it, but also because she knew that Noah's was too. Yeah sure he was the one who caused the break up, but only because he thought he was doing the right thing with having MS.

But she wanted to share something with him she has never shared with anyone, in the hope that it might change Noah's mind and she definitely wasn't taking no for an answer from Noah.

"Look Noah, just sit down please, I am sure if your colleague over there" She pointed over to Jeff who nodded in response "needs your help, he will let you know, so please, come sit. We have many of things to talk about, mainly Luke of course. So please just sit down"

Noah looked at Lucinda. She did have a point that is Jeff did need help he would holler out. He looked over again at Jeff who told him to sit down. He did as he was told as he said "Alright so let's get this over and done with, but you have ten minutes ok" he advised.

"Should be plenty, but first things first, what is going on in the head of yours to make you think you should break up with Luke just because you think it is the right thing to do. Don't you know how much he cares about you my dear boy? And how much I care about you? So why don't you tell me what's really wrong?" Lucinda said taking a sip of her drink

"Well what can I say? Obviously Luke has told you why I have broken up with him and to tell you the truth there really isn't too much more I could possible add to that. I mean I have to do this. Yes it's killing the both of us, more so Luke than anything, but he will deal with it and move on. We all do fact in case" Noah said trying to be straight to the point

Lucinda looked at Noah. 'Surly he could defend himself better than that' Lucinda thought to herself as she said to Noah "Noah what can I say but for a born and bred army person you once where brought up for, that was not any sort of explanation what so ever of the situation. Now let me tell you my dear boy, I might have been on this earth longer than you and I have learned a hell of a lot more than you and have learnt from my mistakes but have you?"

Noah was stunned. For the very first time Lucinda referred to him like an army brat. She was going to fight dirty and he could tell. So it was time to play dirty too

"Well from what I could tell Lucinda, you might have somewhat learned from your mistakes but after the Brian situation, you blamed Luke instead of yourself for not getting to know Brian well enough. So sorry to say I most certainly am not going to take advice from someone who yeah might have lived longer than me so far, but certainly hasn't learnt from her mistakes"

Noah got up from the table to see a very stunned and angry Lucinda watch him, she placed her hand out and said "Oh no my dear boy, we still have five minutes to kill here. So you will sit right back down and you will listen to me OK" Lucinda emphasised on the last word.

Noah sat back down, slowly, watching Lucinda's eyes follow him. He felt somewhat uncomfortable but knew he had to do as she ordered or else all hell would break loose.

"Now listen to me young man, I will not stand for such smart arsed remarks about myself or my personal life got it. You are not going to turn this on me. This is about you ok and what you have done. Now let me tell you, I have had cancer a few times now, but never have I ever pushed my loved ones away from them just because I thought they could never understand or comes to terms with it. No I have held them close to me. Yes I have doubted myself as to whether I would have coped or even dealt with what I had, but I knew I had the love and support of everyone else to keep me going. And you're throwing that support, that happiness into the trash can like yesterdays newspaper. Now what does that say or tell me hmm?" Lucinda asked, placing her hands on her chin resting on the table awaiting Noah's answer.

Noah looked down at the table. He wished he did have an answer but he didn't. Well not a new one any way. It was the same answer he gave Luke and to Alison but he didn't know what else to say

"Well all I can say is that it tell you I am the coward my father told you I am. That when the times get tough or anything like that I just run or do something stupid. But am I going to change my mind. To tell you the truth I don't know. Do I want to, in a way yes but also no? I don't want to put Luke through this. I know he would support me but words mean nothing, only actions do. I want to be able to hear and see it but for some reason I just can't. That's all I can say really"

Noah hoped that Lucinda would not ask for more as he looked at her. She watched him for a couple of moments as she then finished her drink and payed Noah

"Well my dear boy all I can say is that I think you know what Luke will actually do and it is very different to the one you are seeing and thinking right now. I just think you need some time to accept what is happening and take matters from there. Most importantly is try to repair whatever is left you have with Luke, because right now he is in a very bad way and I don't want him to start drinking again to cope. That would definitely kill him more than loosing you. Just think about what I have said and talk to someone before making any more decisions ok. You know where I am if you also want to have a chat ok"

With that Lucinda got up and walked towards the end of the doorway of Java, but not before turning back around to face Noah who had gotten up and started to walk back to the counter

"Let me make it quite clear though Noah dear, you are nothing nor will you ever be anything like your father said you are. You are just scared and feel like your whole world is crashing around you when it's really isn't. It's just hit a small....speed hump, but with Luke by your side, should you accept him back, will guide you in the right direction and always be there for you like he has in the past"

With that Lucinda walked out, leaving a stunned and speechless Noah in her wake. That was not a war but more like a session of congress. It was diplomatic yet unexpected.

"Great now what should I honestly do?" Noah thought to himself, finally trying to work out whether to go with his plan or not while he went on with his work....


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Define Ok

Chapter: Chapter 9

Rating: G

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Noah, Luke, Jeff

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Noah wondered how stupid he could have actually been. He wasn't use to all this support, all these people telling him what he should or shouldn't do with anything really. He just wasn't use to it and it made him even sadder to think what he was going to do.

Would he still go through with it?

Or would he be the coward and stupid ass his father had come to known and expect, always disgusted with him?

Noah just didn't know. He just continued what he was doing, working at Java silent as anything. Even poor Jeff was getting worried. He had tried many times to make conversation but Noah just seemed to be dead, or in another place.

At the end of he's shift he just said bye to Jeff and walked out, looking down at the pavement trying to gather he's thoughts.

His mind playing thousands of scenes and ideas, still not one clue as to what he should do. He suddenly felt frustrated. All these people telling him he was making a mistake, but how? How could he be making a mistake when he knew it was the right thing to do still?

How could they not see what he sees? Why can't they just let him be and understand that what he says goes and that's final? He shouldn't have to listen to their demands.

Walking along near olde town, he put he's jacket one as the night began to fall and it started to get cold. Suddenly he felt strange, like as if he was light headed. Everything around him was spinning around.

He reached out against a wall as he felt he's knees and leg buckle beneath him. He began to feel pains in the chest and held on for dear life.

It scared him that he wasn't in control anymore. He felt like all he could do was let it happen and just hope no one thought he was a homeless bum or some crazy drug out freak.

The feeling of dizziness and pain mixed with weakness and numbness starting to subside he finally found himself being able to concentrate normally and regain composure.

He slowly got up, still slightly weak and sore in the legs he leaned against the wall he had feel down from. Taking a couple of deep breaths and making sure the coast was clear in both directions he continued on he's way home.

He couldn't help but wonder as to how much more of this he would have to take or how much exactly his body was willing to take of this. It certainly freaked him not knowing when or even where those types of attacks could happen. More importantly it made him realise he needed to be not alone, but in the care of someone.

Yet that someone seemed not be Luke. No, it was more like a nurse or something in those regards. To stop him feeling like he had truly lost control of he's life but helping him regain what he can with what ever bit of strength he would have left.

Finally deciding he could walk again on he's own, he continued to walk home, making sure no one had seem or even looked at him and what had just happened.

He continued the long and lonely walk home, helping him somewhat clear he's mind as he came down he's street, he noticed lights where on at he's house. At first he thought he might have forgotten to turn them off the night before but then looked to see a shadow that resembled he's boyfriend.

On closer inspection he could see that it was Luke, as he's ford mustang was parked right outside. He slowly walked up to the door, wondering if he should dare enter or if he should maybe take the back way inn or even stay at the Lakeview for the night.

Upon realising he would have to speak to Luke before he left he shook he's head and entered the key into the front door, opening it as he entered but finding himself stopping instantly at the site before him.

Right before him was Luke, looking pale, weak and upset. He could see he's eyes were red and puffy from crying and bloodshot as if he had no sleep. Bags under he's eyes confirmed he must not have been sleeping if not right at all.

He looked as he could see tracing he's eyes towards a picture that was in he's hands of the two of them at Snyder pond, Luke's arms around he's neck lovingly and they were both smiling proudly.

What good times they had been But those times where now over as he looked back into Luke's sad eyes, stumbling to find the right words

"What....what are you doing here Luke?" is all he could manage as he could see tears beginning to well up in Luke's eyes

The sadness and hurt beginning to flow again as he's once might and string heart broke again into a million pieces.


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 10

Chapter: Chapter 10

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Luke looked at Noah. He was stunned and hurt the only words that would come out of Noahs mouth was what was he doing at their place or had he forgotten it was their place? Did he think he now owned everything?

Luke looked at Noah as he said "Well I thought that I might come over and start packing and moving my stuff back to the farm house seeming as my supposed boyfriend thinks I am not able to cope with he's disease and has this strange idea I will up and leave him. So what did he do to 'fix the so called situation, break up with me of course. What do you think of that Noah? Is that an explanation or what?"

Noah looked stunned. He had never thought Luke would be so forward with him. Yes he was the one who caused this but he had done what he did for the right reasons, or so he thought.

"Luke I ….I am sorry I didn't mean it to come out like that. I… I will go out for a while if you want to give you some space to get your stuff together and what not" Noah said as he began walking out the door.

"SO AS ALWAYS THE RUNAWAY AND HIDE APPROACH COMES OUT AGAIN. I AM SICK OF PLAYING YOUR MIND GAMES NOAH. OF COURSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO. I WANT TO SIT HERE AND TRY AND HELP YOU THROUGH THIS BUT YOU WON'T LET ME. SO WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO PROVE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND HOW MUCH I WILL BE HERE TO SUPPORT AND HELP YOU THROUGH THIS?"

Luke hoped and prayed that Noah would finally listen to him and actually stay for once instead of running away and trying to hide from the real situation they were facing.

"What else can I say or do Luke to make you understand why I have done what I have done. There is nothing more that I can do really. It would be…. It would be unfair and totally selfish of me to even begin to ask you to stay with me. To help me become the vegetable I will become practically and stop living your life. It's not fair and….and it would hurt me and make me more upset that I have made you stop living your life the way you should be living it. That's why I had to make the decision and make it for you. Yes it was unfair but I had to, so please understand what I have asked and why I am doing it for once please?" Noah pleaded with Luke but he could tell Luke was not going without a fight so to speak.

"SO YOU HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME, WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME. TELL ME NOAH WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE. I MEAN THAT IS WITHOUT A DOUBT TOTALLY UNFAIR. I MEAN MAKING A DECISION FOR YOUR PARTNER WITHOUT TALKING TO THEM FIRST. DO WE EVEN OR EVEN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL?"

Luke's words had stung Noah quite hard. He knew that Luke was upset but he never knew what Luke was saying would have such an effect on him. Yes it was unfair to make the decision for Luke without talking to him first, but what would have Luke done, or what could have happened for the both of them. It was those types of scenarios that Noah had looked at and was scared.

He was scared he would Lose Luke for good just because of Multiple Sclerosis. He thought he would leave him because it would become too much for him. Luke was now proving him somewhat wrong for jumping to those types of conclusions too quickly.

"I ….I am sorry Luke. Maybe I should have talked to you first but…but…I dunno I just felt my world was crashing down and I just…I dunno rushed to conclusions. I felt lost, overwhelmed actually is a better word to put it but I did what I believed was right" Noah said looking away from Luke.

Luke walked up to Noah as he could sense that Noah was thinking and becoming even more frustrated. That he was starting to doubt what he thought would happen to what was actually happening around him. He knew he was still confused and upset but he could sense there was also something else, something he wasn't telling

"Noah, please tell me, what's wrong? What's going on?" Luke said moving towards Noah, holding he's hands out as Noah took them.

Noah first thought was to tell him everything, but would he be able to handle the full truth. And how could he even begin to fully explain what had happened on the way home. All this scared Noah and as usual he put the wall back up again, hiding away like a scared child

"Nothing is wrong…I just….I dunno, feel tired I guess. Too much thinking that's all. Nothing for you to worry over ok"

"NOTHING FOR ME TO EVEN WORRY ABOUT? NOAH…. DO WE EVEN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP? ARE WE STILL EVEN BOYFRIENDS OR AM I JUST A PIECE OF TRASH YOU CAN THOW ABOUT AT YOUR OWN PLEASURE? BECAUSE I AM BEGINNING TO WONDER HERE"

Luke had clearly had enough of playing Noah's mind games as usual. He just wanted it to be over and for Noah to finally decide what he wanted and if he still wanted him at all.

"WELL I AM WAITING?"

"WHAT CAN I SAY LUKE. I AM NOT SURE. I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY OR ASK DO I. YES I STILL LOVE YOU IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR AND I ALWAYS WILL BUT NOTHING CAN EVER CHANGE THE FACT OF WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ME. NOTHING CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY"

"THEN WHY NOAH ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?" Luke continued to shout looking directly in Noah waiting for he's answer

"I…..I DON'T KNOW ALRIGHT. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE" Noah said shoving straight past Luke, holding his hands up in the air completely unsure of what was happening anymore

"Well tell me now, what do you know? What do you want Noah?" Luke said coming up behind Luke, hoping in some way he would say he wanted him and would have him back instantly

Noah still wasn't sure. He sighed out loud, still completely unsure of what he truly wanted. He did want Luke but would Luke honestly be there for him. So far he had proved him right that he did want him but that's all fine and dandy if you wanted to truly pretend to be happy, but wanted to be happy in all ways possible while he could.

He turned around to face Luke. Wanting to say he wanted him but still completely unsure.


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 11

Chapter: Chapter 11

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison, Dr Hughes (Bob)

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Well I am waiting Noah. What do you truly want for us?" Luke asked, continuing to wait for Noah, becoming ever more impatient

Noah continued to look at Luke until he could not face him and lie to he's face. He couldn't lie to him no more as he bowed he's head to the floor and said quietly "I…I want you Luke. I have always wanted you. I want to be with you but….but i….its just…noott..fair" Noah said slinking to the floor opposite the couch beginning to cry he's heart out. The first time realising what he truly wanted.

Luke watched he saw Noah slowly move to the couch, crying he's heart out. Watching Noah cry made Luke realise how much Noah must have been suffering inside. Not only finding out about having Multiple Sclerosis, but not being able to truly talk to anyone about it and then making decisions because he was scared of actually in the end loosing the one good thing in he's life.

Luke suddenly realised what was happening and why Noah had been so secretive and so withdrawn from everything. Why he wouldn't open up to him or to anyone who had tried to talk to him.

He slowly sat down next to Noah, placing he's arms around him. He tried he's best to help ease the pain and let him cry out all the suffering and pain he had built up inside him.

Noah cried he's heart out into Luke's chest, grabbing hold of he's shirt as he sobbed into it hoping that Luke wouldn't hate him for this. Crying like a big sook and not being a man and actually accepting who he was and what he had.

He slowly begun to calm down, with sobs replaced by sniffles and sweet whispers from Luke telling him how much he loved him and how much he wanted to help him through this and how he would be there for him.

This suddenly made Noah feel much better. Being in the arms of his lover and feeling he's body warmth against he's. Protecting him from all the dangers the world faced him, no them outside and making them a formidable team to fight against those elements.

"I am so sorry Luke. Will you forgive me?" Noah said as he looked up those brown eyes he had come so use to. Their colour expressing so much emotion and love for him.

"Of course I will, I already have. Just please Noah, please listen to when I say I love you and I will be here for you" he smiled back as they closed the gap and kissed.

The kiss sealing the deal, reconnecting them as one again finally and proving no matter what hurdles they can get through anything, until now.

Suddenly Noah felt the strange feeling he had before coming back, the feeling of soreness and sharp shotting pains. Weakness and tightness I his muscles from he's arms through his chest followed down the body as he began to shake uncontrollably.

It was almost like a fitting state where he lay on the floor shaking up and down, he's eyes rolling behind his head. At first Luke wasn't sure what to do but grabbed his cell out and called 911 for an ambulance.

Not being really able to panic he made sure Noah didn't swallow he's tongue and remained as still keeping he's body weight down on Noah to keep him from moving around much causing further damage. He just silently prayed Noah would be alright and the paramedics would be here soon

"What an episode this turned out to be. I have to say though I am personally glad you where there Luke, who knows what, could have happened to Noah if you weren't there. He really is a lucky guy you know" Dr Hughes said looking at Luke who kept looking over his shoulder to look at Noah.

He was worried about Noah and was worried that this attack he had might have made things worse seeming as they had just come to an understanding finally after at least a couple of days sadness and heartache.

"I don't want to even begin to think about it. So how is he any way Bob. Do you mind if I call you that? Can I see now?" Luke said asking nearly a million questions a second, just worried about Noah.

"That I can understand Luke and yes you can call me Doc, Doc Hughes or Bob, but not Bobby or else you might just be the next patient that is admitted ok. As for seeing Noah, in a few moments Nurse Stewart will come out and let you know when you can see him ok" Dr Hughes said placing his hand on Luke's shoulder

"You did god Luke. A lot of people would have panicked or given up, but you have shown great courage and support today. You should be proud and so should he. He is not out of the woods. We will keep him here for a couple of days ok just so we can see if there has been any damage caused and try to help him as best as possible"

With that Dr Hughes left Luke looking into the room, watching Alison get Noah comfortable and get him settled in. He could see Noah looked very tired and pale. Almost very weak and it made him wonder what he must be going through.

He was somehow more worried that Noah might use this new episode to try and finally get rid of him. Dump him to the side but he shook those negative thoughts out of he's head as Alison came to the door, looking in Luke's direction.

"Hey Luke, how are you going and be honest ok" she said looking at him as he looked towards Noah's room. He had noticed he was asleep and made sure the door was closed before turning back he's attention to Alison.

"Well to be honest I feel ok, but also worried and scared. Worried that Noah will use this as a way to break up with me again as we only just got back together when this happened but also scared because I know he is scared and worried to. I want to know what he is going through and try to understand better. I just...I just.....feel so useless. I mean when....when he fitted I just.... I just went into scout mode and did what my CPR training told me but......but I was scared Ali. So scared" Luke said as tears began to flow again as he cried

Alison moved closer to Luke as she brought Luke into her and hugged him, trying to calm him down

"Hey hey, its ok you know. The main thing was you where there and that you didn't panic. You did everything right and certainly you have proved Noah wrong, that you will stay there and help him in the through times that will lay ahead for you both. You did very well Luke and you should be proud. I know Noah is"

Luke looked up at Alison, tears still falling and he's eyes redder than before as he asked "He does?"

Alison nodded yes in reply as she again said "He was scared but he was glad you where there today and that you didn't panic Luke. He now knows how much you mean to him and how much you are willing to help him with no matter how bad the situation is going to get. So don't cry, smile and be happy ok" Alison said rubbing her hands up and down Luke's shoulders trying her best to comfort him

"Now why don't you go inside and see how Mr Grumpy Pants Patient is going ok. I will be right out at the nurse's station if you need me" and with that Alison walked off in the direction of the station as Luke slowly moved towards Noah's door, wiping away the tears that remained and trying to regain he's composure.

He opened the door and moved slowly into the room so as to not wake Noah.

He walked up to he's bed and sat in the chair right next to him as he held he's hand and kissed it as he said "I love you Noah Mayer and I am never leaving your side ever" as Noah remained in the land of slumber but not quite out of the woods yet.....


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 12

Chapter: Chapter 12

Rating: M

Summary: You have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Luke stirred awake as he heard someone enter Noah's room. He had fallen asleep in the arm chair right next to Noah's bed, still holding on to he's hand.

He looked over and noticed that Noah was still asleep. He was kind of relieved he was here and that he had not dreamed that they had gotten back together.

Luke turned around to finally see who the person was in the room and Noticed Ali standing at the foot of Noah's bed reading he's charts.

He got up slowly as he could feel pain from he's legs and lower back starting to niggle at him being the way he must have dosed off in the chair. He walked over to Alison as he smiled at her

"He Alison, you're still on duty?" He asked, yawning and trying to cover he's mouth, hoping he didn't have bad breath.

"Yes, unfortunately pulling a double shift tonight. Stupid people who do rostering in this place always put the slack job nurses on the late shift and THEY always call in sick or something so yeah, still here" Alison said still checking Noah's Charts

"So what are you up to anyway? See you feel asleep next to sleeping beauty there" Alison pointed towards Noah who was still asleep

"Yes, well what can I say? He makes me feel me. But I have to go and get something to eat but I don't want to leave him until he wakes up" Luke said looking back at Noah, wondering what he should do as he was hungry and in need of some water or something as he's mouth was dry.

"Well why don't I stay with him until you come back. If you hurry you will make it before the canteen closes in fifteen minutes, or are you going to go to Al's?"

"Nah going to go to Al's, as much I Hospital food is health for you, it's too health. It feels like sometimes it has been put through the dishwasher or something to make it squeaky clean for you. No offence" Luke said smiling and giving a small chuckle.

It was good to hear him chuckle and smile. Alison had missed the old Luke over the last couple of days and it was good to see him coming back to that old flame he had.

"Yeah I actually agree, but could I ask you to get me a sandwich, my usual. Henry Knows which one I am talking about and maybe a diet coke or something. God knows I am going to need the caffeine hit soon" she said.

"Yeah sure no problems and thanks for this" Luke said grabbing he's Jacket as he kissed Noah on the hand one more time before walking right out the door.

Alison sat down next to Noah as she looked over some of Noah's paperwork as she said silently to her self "You have a lot of work to do Mr Mayer before you might be back to normal"

"Yes I know, but someone got to do it" a silent voice said, making Alison jump out of her seat. She looked around to find Noah awake, looking at her as he smiled

"Sorry didn't mean to startle you. Are you ok?" He said hoping he had not scared her

"Yeah I will be fine – eventually, but more importantly how are you feeling?"

"Yeah ok, well define ok I guess. I mean Luke isn't here so doesn't that say anything to you?" Noah said turning he's head in the other direction, trying to not show how upset he was.

"What, what do you mean not here Noah. He was here. He just went out for a moment to get something to eat for both myself and him. The poor guy has been here for nearly half the night now without anything to eat so what… do you expect him to starve?" she said getting slightly angry as she knew Noah was jumping to the wrong conclusions again.

"And you believed him. God then you must be as blonde as I am then. I knew I shouldn't have taken him back. I knew he would do this"

"WHAT NOAH, THAT'S TOTALLY UNFAIR! Luke has been here. If you don't believe me then you will have to wait and talk with him when he gets back because he will tell you that he has been here. And as for calling me blonde, I don't think so wise guy. You are really becoming a piece of something Noah. I can't swear here or even want to slap, which if I may say so I really want to do right now for the way you are talking down Luke and myself....just what is so fucking wrong with you?"

Alison said finally losing her cool with Noah. She could not believe Noah was back to being the pain in the ass again. What was with this guy? And where was the Noah Mayer everyone loved so very much?

"Well someone has to say it Alison, and if it wasn't me it would be some else perhaps. I am just stating the truth anyways. Luke has proved me right. It like a code word that he wants out, so if he does then so do I. Now can you please get the paperwork ready to discharge me please? I have things to do and places to be" Noah said rudely as he looked at Alison with daggers

"Well you know what you need hmmm? I think you need your head examined, like having an MRI or something to prove it is actually there and then I think to get rid of all this shit, you need an enema buddy because you talk too much shit right now. And to say the least you're stuck here right at this moment because I can't do that kind of paperwork now. The office is closed and we can't discharge patients after 7pm anyways" Alison said looking towards the clock in the room noting it was 10.42pm

"Well I don't have to put up with attitude like that. And if anyone needs their head examined it's you honey. If I remember correctly, you did a certain bad thing to Luke's brother, like cheat on him or make that porno movie if I do remember quite well. So if I were you, I would be getting right out of my sight before I call for one of the other nurses to come in ok?"

Well to say the least that was enough to push Alison over the edge. Finally she had cracked and had enough of this wise ass Noah.

"You know what fuck you. Oh right sorry you're already doing that, what with that fucked up life of yours. The father who killed your own mother and tried on a couple of occasions to kill Luke, then kidnap your so called wife Ameera, god Noah how you two would have done it at night? What she would have to put a bucket over her head and swing of the handles for fun huh?" she said looking at Noah as she continued "No, you know what Noah you can stay right where you are for once and take orders from me because for god's sake if you're going to order others around like myself and poor Luke, who really at this stage doesn't deserve such a piece of fucking trash right now and actually be truly happy for once in he's life if you don't want to anymore. No you can stay right where you are and stew in your own juices for once. Maybe and I hope maybe that might make you think a little bit more clearly." She said as she walked up to Noah's side

"For once Noah you need to realise what you have right in front of you because when your old and grey, if you even ever reach that with this kind of attitude you display, you will regret giving Luke the flick and will try with whatever energy and strength you have left trying to find Luke and make a mends for your huge fucking mistake. I think it's about time you work up to yourself and stop acting like such a god damn drama queen"

Alison surprised herself. She didn't think she had it in her to do such a thing and become a very nasty person, but it had to be done. She had to make Noah see what he was going to be missing out if he continued like this.

Just then the door opened and a lonely and sad face appeared in the door way carrying a bag of food.

Luke looked at Noah as he said "You really think so low of me don't you Noah? Do you even want me?"

Noah looked at Luke. He knew what he wanted but what he wanted and what would or could be are two different things....


	13. Chapter 13

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 13

Chapter: Chapter 13

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"Well come on, say it. Say that you don't love me. That you don't want me Noah? Well come on, what are you waiting for?" Luke said standing there. He could hardly believe that Noah would stoop so low again and think of him as someone who treated him like shit.

All Luke wanted to do was to Love him and hold him. Support him in both the good and the bad times and just be he's rock of strength like Noah was many times for him. But now, now he wasn't sure anymore himself. He didn't want to do this. If Noah thought so low of him then what was the point to even fight?

No, it was time to fight and stand he's ground and prove to Noah what he had been saying all along. That he loved him no matter what and would be there to support him. But then again how could he do that now if Noah didn't want him to be there or to support him?

It was time to fight dirty like he had been for once

"What cat got your tongue has it. You know what Noah, you are pathetic. Sorry to say but if you aren't going to believe I have been here by your aide and Alison was here to look after you while I grab something for us all to eat then you have something wrong with you in the head. I am sick to death of pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. All you have treated me like over the last couple of days is like this stuffed toy you can through away when you like and have had enough"

Luke continued to look Noah directly in the eyes. It was breaking he's heart to say this but he just had to finally get it off he's chest and finally cause some pain of he's own for Noah

"I am not a Yoyo Noah. I am a real human being. I will say it again for you. I want to be there for you in every sense. Be there to support you in the good and in the bad, be your tower of strength and rock like you have been for me. But if you aren't going to accept it, well I guess that it's over Noah. I am not going to stand by and fight for you when you won't fight for us. Don't get me wrong, I love you Noah and I always will but I just can't......can't be treated like this. So until you know what you want and I mean EXACTLY know what you want, then maybe come and find me if I haven't already moved on"

With that Luke left the food on Noah's tray table and left the room and hospital altogether. He had finally had the last straw and he needed to be alone right now. What he had just said to Noah had even surprised him. He never thought he had it in him to do such a thing but in a way was it the right thing, only time will truly tell.

Alison remained where she had been standing for the last ten minutes watching as Noah didn't even try to fight for Luke and Luke defend he's own honour but also give Noah a harsh reality check.

She had also been surprised as to what she had witnessed as she could hardly also believe that Luke had it in him, but also why Noah didn't even fight for Luke.

She turned around and looked at Noah as she no longer took pity on him as she said "Well now look what you have done. So Mr Mayer, what is your plan of action now hmm?"

Noah looked at Alison stunned at what Luke had said to him. He just was....flabbergasted. He never knew like Alison that Luke had it in him to play so dirty. Yeah had in the past but to be so rude to him....it just caught him by surprise to say the least

He wasn't even sure what he should actually do. I mean by the sounds of things Luke didn't want any more to do with him. And could you blame him actually. He had been a right old pain in the ass. Not thinking and jumping to the wrong conclusions as always. Why did he feel like such an ass right now? Why did he always have to be the one that makes all this mistakes in he's life and get everyone else to sort them out for him?

He just felt defeated now. He felt alone and even colder without Luke by his side anymore. To answer Alison, how could he because he wasn't even sure what to do. But he had to do something.

Maybe he needed to finally get away and think things through. Put things into perspective for him and actually work out what he wanted... yeah that it, go away and think things through finally

He looked at Alison as he said "I don't know, but I do know what I have to do..."

He looked out the door, a door of hope and glimour. A door full of fear and uncertainty to what the future held


	14. Chapter 14

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 14

Chapter: Chapter 14

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison, Lilly, Holden

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Luke drove home, to he's parents place. He had cried his lungs out until he could cry no more. He could not believe that Noah thought so little of him not to even realise that he had only gone to get food and not leave him because of the stupid MS.

He just could not understand why Noah had changed so much. It hurt him to see Noah be so distant and cold and then himself almost become the same. But he had to; he had to become that to hopefully and finally teach Noah a lesson.

Finally make him see that what he had in front him was threatening to finally leave if he's attitude didn't change soon.

He drove into the drive way of he's parents house as he turned off the motor to he's vehicle. At first he wondered if he should get out of the car and speak to his parents and get ready to explain what was going on or to just go home and hope that things might have changed overnight, but knowing Noah and the way he had been over the last couple of days, that would not be the case.

Finally deciding the first option, he got out of the car and walked up to the front door and sighed. Did he really want a lecture about giving up on Noah from he's parents when that all Noah wanted to with him – give up?

He was still deciding when all of a sudden the door in front h=of him opened up with his mom standing right in front of him, bringing him into a hug.

This caught Luke off he's guard as he stood there totally surprised.

"Oh my poor baby…. Alison just told us what Noah just did. That boy really has some issues that he needs to work and begin to trust he's own partner. How are you going?" she asked him as he's father, Holden stood by Lilly's side, with he's hand on her shoulder looking at Luke with interest.

"Well I dunno how I feel I suppose. It's all just a bit of a blur and shock I have to say. I just have to say that …I…I can't believe Noah would do this to us…again after…after everything we have been through…I just….I don't get it" Luke said chocking back tears as Holden went over to hold he's son.

He hated seeing Luke so upset. In some ways he had kind of known what Noah might have been trying to do but to make the decision without speaking to your loved one does never go down good in anyway you think about it.

In some ways he just wished he could lift the burden on both Luke and Noah and take away all their problems so they could go back to the times where they were happy and carefree adults who where desperately in love with one another.

"Luke I just wish there was something your mother and I could do to help you and to help Noah as well both understand what is happening and going on. Make you both realise what is important in life but we can't. I just hope that you two will find each other again and soon. In the mean time if you want somewhere to stay, you are more than always welcome here and the same would be for Noah, although we might but him at the Farm house until you both decide what you want to do ok"

"I know and thanks Dad, but for some reason I am not sure what is going to happen with Noah and I. I just…I don't know…had all the answers or at least had a cure to lift the burden and pain he must be feeling. I mean it's hard not to know what to do when your own partner won't even let you in and help you. It's hard to understand how they truly feel and actually feel about you when they put up these constant walls. I get why he does it but I wish he would just…I don't know open up to me and let me in for once" Luke said trying not to think too much into it and not sound so depressed and upset

"We both know honey how hard this must be for not only you, but for Noah too and we will be here for both ok, but you will always be our first priority ok. We want you to happy as well with Noah. We just….we just hope you two find a way back to each other in the end, that the main thing. Your both young and have a whole lifetime ahead wot worry about these type of things" Lilly said as Luke replied "obviously Noah doesn't think so otherwise we wouldn't be in this mess right now and I wouldn't be standing here talking with you two, not that I don't like it but…."

"We know Luke, we know and understand. Why don't you go upstairs and get changed, maybe have a shower or something to freshen up" Lilly said as Luke walked up to both he's parents and hugged them

"Thanks Mom thanks Dad and I am glad I can rely on you guys" Luke said as he walked up the stairs, still trying to work out what going on and what has been happening so far.

*****

"So Noah, care to explain what you are going to do to try and win Luke back?" Alison said Looking at Noah, who for the last half hour had hardly said anything.

"What do you want me to say Alison? That I can just apologise to Luke and all will be forgiven. No I have to do this on my own anyway. I don't care what you or anyone else has to say"

"Do you even love Luke?" Alison asked Noah, wanting to finally know the answer

At first Noah wasn't sure how to answer Alison because he knew the answer but he didn't dare to tell

"Well....just spit it out Noah. Stop acting like a five year old that has been caught out lying because that's what you are doing right now"

Silence still filled the room

"You know what, I give up. I give up trying to make you understand and realise of how much an ass you have become. Until you learn to accept what you have the support and help you are getting then don't bother asking for my help, because there is now way I will help as selfish prick like you" with that Alison walked out of Noah's room

Noah lay in the dark room, wondering if he had become the selfish prick Alison said he had become and he started to reply the way he had been acting.

Suddenly realising that she was right, tears began to fall and quiet sobs could be heard filling the room


	15. Chapter 15

Title: Define ok - Chapter 15

Chapter: Chapter 15

Rating: M

Summary: You have to read as usual to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison, Dr Hughes

Genre: AU

Warnings: Please don't hate me and pardon the language

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Noah had cried most of the night and with what sleep he did have he still felt like shit.

He wasn't sure what he could do? He had been a real selfish person who seemed to not care about what other's thought of him and how he had treated everyone and how he just did what he normally always did – run away and treat everyone with such little respect.

The worst thing he has done really is treat Luke like nothing. Like he is actually nothing to him, not a friend or even in a relationship and be lovers, but treat him like everyone else.

Even Alison who he had always considered a very good friend was treating him the way he had been treating everyone else, like shit.

When she had come into the room at dawn and thrown the discharge papers next to Noah, she just looked at him and nodded with anger and left.

He knew finally where he stood, under a rock where he should just crawl and never come out of.

He didn't deserve to stay in Oakdale anymore, no matter what anything thought or could say to him. The damage was done.

He looked at the papers as he grabbed a pen that Alison left him to sign. He then got out of bed and had a shower, hoping to wipe away the way he felt and make him kind of whole again, brand new to go with the new change in mind he was now thinking.

*******

Luke awoke, at first he wasn't sure where he was but then realised where he was. He was at he's parents place where he had decided to crash after having the worst and possible bitter fights he has ever had with Noah

He groaned hoping that in some way he hadn't said all those harsh and nasty things to Noah. He also hoped that Noah didn't hate him too much or at least was in a better mind set.

He got up and sat in bed for a moment contemplating what he should do for the day and if he should actually maybe go visit Noah and well, see if he can actually patch things back up and make things right...maybe

*******

Noah had gotten out the shower and was now dressed. He had seen that Dr Hughes was sitting at the bed he had been sleeping, or well to put it frankly staying in, thinking and lying awake most of the night

"I understand you wish to leave us today Noah, am I correct?" Dr Hughes said looking at Noah

"Yes Sir, I do"

"May I ask as to why when clearly we need you here to help you at least, you're not really back at 100% health in my books and I would rather have you here so we can monitor you?"

"Because sir, I have done things and I need to get out of here. If you don't mind me putting it bluntly, you have been wonderful but I don't need advice or help from you. All I need to do is leave and if you won't let me leave, then I will find someone who will let me or I will just walk out those doors" Noah said not wanting to have a fight with a Doctor right now

"Determined aren't you then. Well this IS against my better judgement and medical advice but I will allow you to go, but not leave Oakdale if that's what you meant to leaving altogether. You're in no fit state. Just please take a moment to think about your health at least and what you should do?" Dr Hughes pleaded

Noah did take just seconds to think as he said "I have done enough thinking to last me a lifetime. I would rather go"

With that Dr Hughes grabbed he's pen and signed away "There it's done, but you need to see me in a week's time. I have a made an appointment for you and I shall see you then ok"

"Ok yeah" 'Whatever' Noah thought as he grabbed he's things and walked out of the room and Oakdale memorial. Finally out of hell ad into the cold he thought as he hailed a taxi

The taxi journey had been long and silent but he could only hear music being played in from the front loudly as it seems once he jumped in the taxi driver turned down the music, asked where he was going then put the music back up and speed off like light speed racer or some sort of entrant to the wacky races.

Suddenly a song came on and it got him thinking about he's current situation.

Was he's life really that bad, that a song like that could actually be a resemblance to he's current life

It got Noah thinking as he continued to look outside at the world beyond the window. A world which was cold but became dark where ice formed all around.

Maybe, just maybe in some way, this song could be for Luke to give to Noah, after all he had been treating him the same

No, he had to do what was right to fix the situation....leave Oakdale for good....maybe


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 16

Chapter: Chapter 16

Rating: M

Summary: You will have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Noah arrived home to a very empty house. He could tell instantly that Luke had not been home in the last couple of days. The house seemed to be the same as it was the last time he had been in the house, except that some cushions from the couch had been moved onto the floor.

He looked around the house and thought of all the good times he had shared with Luke here. Yes they also had their bad moments but in respect all the good time weighed out the bad times tenfold.

He went into the bedroom, to o the final deed and put this town and himself out of misery and leaves for good.

******

Luke arrived at Oakdale Memorial to Noah's ward as he walked down he was stopped by a familiar voice

"Luke, what are you doing here?" Alison said as she was just finishing up some paperwork looking as if she was ready to leave for the day.

"Um well...I am here to.... I don't know see if I can make things up to Noah maybe. Try and at least.....at least make him understand what he is doing and try to make him see sense in us, finally" Luke said still unsure of what he had to do and what he would say to Noah

"Well you're about half an hour late for that. Seems our dear Noah wanted out of here last night and as we couldn't let him out last night, he got himself discharge this morning and left about half an hour ago. To tell you the truth you would have your work cut out for you trying to make him see sense but what do I know?" Alison said looking at Luke then back at the paperwork in front of her

Luke looked surprised. He didn't know that Noah would discharge himself. He suddenly realised what Noah might end up doing and he went straight up to Alison, grabbing her by the arm pulling her with him

"Alison you're coming with me. If I know Noah, and I do, he is planning to leave right now and I need some help to try and make him see sense and stop him before he makes a huge mistake" Luke said walking in front of Alison, dragging her along.

"Luke.....Please...just....stop for god's sake for a moment......LUKE" Alison shouted as she finally got her arm free of Luke's grip

"WHAT Alison, we have to stop Noah. He is going to leave Oakdale I can't....no won't let that happen. I need to make him realise that he will be making THE worst decision he could make possibly ever make and stop him before it's too late" Luke said he walked up to Alison "I need your help to make him realise, so your there to show your support too"

Alison looked at Luke as she realised the task that faced them. Luke did have a point, she knew Noah might try and do a runner, but she silently prayed it wasn't true.

"Alright, but you owe me ok" and with that both Luke and Alison where on their way to Noah and Luke's.

*********

Noah was pottering around the house. He had found that he would just sit around after he found something that made him feel all good and something to generally laugh about.

At first he didn't know why he has having this turns in moods but he felt better when he was happy, not sad and definitely not cold.

He got up off the couch and walked over to he's belongings he had at least packed. Staring at four suitcases and probably another few to go he wasn't sure if this was actually the right thing to do.

Could this actually make things worse? Could this be the point Luke was talking about? Was he this much of a coward like he's father had always said he was and always would be?

All these thoughts running through he's head until he was disturbed by the front door opening and finding two people looking at him, worried and upset.

He was watching Luke and Alison watching him.

********

"Noah, what's going on?" Luke said slowly moving from the front door towards Noah, placing he's keys down on the table next to the door

"Nothing Luke, just......just ......I don't know really. I am a coward that for fucking sure" Noah said as he looked at Luke then back at the suitcases, running he's hands through he's hair

"What do you mean you a coward? What's going on Noah....Just...I don't know either but I do know you need to let me in here, tell me, us, what you are thinking please" Luke said pointing he's fingers around himself, Noah and Alison.

"You won't understand"

"What do you mean I won't understand Noah? I think I am capable of making my mid up if I can't understand, but try me, you might actually be surprised"

Noah looked at Luke then over at Alison who was now standing behind Luke, hoping, praying Noah would finally open up to them and let him them in to help him

"Noah, Luke is right, you have to talk to us, let us in so we can try to at least understand what is going on and what is happening. We want to help you but we can't until you start to talk to us, let us know what you are thinking, what you fear and how we can work through it for you"

"But I can't Alison, it's.....it's not fair for you all to try and even begin to Understand, that's why I have to go away. That's why I have to leave and just......." Noah couldn't finish off the sentence, fearful of what Luke might say and hoping that he wouldn't actually go through with the plan

"What do you mean leave Noah? Do you really want to give up on us, on me? Just because you don't think I would be able to handle all this?" Luke asked, now even more worried Noah would leave. Leave him to make him pick up all the pieces and somehow try to understand what was going on.

"Noah.....I have to ask this again and I think you know why, but I want you to think long and hard for me before answering straight away.....Do you actually Love me Noah? Do you still want relationship with me?"

Luke looked at Noah, hoping he would give the right answer as he looked into Noah's deep blue eyes, he could see there was an internal struggle going on but he prayed and hoped Noah wouldn't give up just like that.

Noah Noticed Luke looking over at him, he knew that he had to give an answer, but how could you when one part of you said one answer, but the other said directly opposite?

He just looked over at Luke, unsure of what to say or do right at this moment......


	17. Chapter 17

Title: Define Ok - Chapter 17

Chapter: Chapter 17

Rating: M

Summary: You need to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Alison, Noah

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

"I don't have a right to say what I want Luke. You know that" Noah said looking away, sad and not wanting to let he's true feelings come out.

"You do have a right and I want to know where I stand Noah. I need to hear from you that you either love me or you don't? What's so hard, you know the answer, why can't you just say it?" Luke questioned Noah as he moved towards him, noticing that Noah wasn't looking at him

"Nothing is hard…I…I just can't ok Luke. I can't" Noah said, with tears starting to fall down he's cheeks

"Why can't you Noah. You're prepared to make a decision for me, but when I ask you to make one for us you say you can't. What's with that?" Luke said getting angry and frustrated.

"Look Luke it would be better if we just…." Noah said before being interrupted by Luke again "better what Noah. You just want to take the coward's way out? The easy way is it? Why would you even think of giving up on Me Noah? Don't you care about my feelings at all?" Luke said, tears beginning to stream down his eyes too.

"I just…I don't know Luke. I am not sure I am in the right state of mind to even make a decision let alone…I don't know hurt you because that's not what I want. I just…I don't know if I could make the right decision right now Luke" Noah said quietly.

Luke was now standing to the side of Noah as he placed he's hands on he's shoulder and whispered "you can Noah. I know you will make the right choice"

Noah turned around and was lost in the brown eyes that looked upon him. He knew that Luke knew he would make the right decision, but how could even know that it was the right one given the way he had been thinking lately?

He then looked to Alison who gave him a small yet sad smile. He then turned he's attention to Luke as he said "I…I…I want you Luke. I love you too much but I just….I don't know….think it is fair to put you through this"

He looked into Luke's eyes and could finally see some happiness. That spark he always longed for and saw the smile he had become to love very much as Luke brought him in to he's chest and held he tight, not wishing to ever let go

"See I knew you would Noah. And in all honesty, you're not putting me through anything. I would do anything for you and will support you in every way possible. I love you Noah and that will never change anytime soon ok"

Noah just held on to Luke as he sobbed into Luke's chest. He's words where simple yet powerful enough to bring him to tears. He always knew Luke would be there for him but he was still scared as he's past kept lurking back to play havoc with him.

"I know Luke you will be…..be there for me….but…I...am….scared" Noah sobbed again into Luke's chest and clothes as he was not sure how to deal with anything in general.

"Shhhhhhh, its ok, its ok I understand. It's never easy to understand at first but we, and I mean we, will work at this together and work our way through this no matter what"

Luke was trying his best to calm Noah down as he knew he hadn't been eating right and or even looking after himself over the last couple of days and he knew he was weak and tired. It also broke Luke's heart to see Noah like this so he wanted to cheer him up fast.

"Noah, please just promise me you won't leave Oakdale or me, as I could never live without you. You are my heart and my soul. You are the man I want to be with now and forever if you will have me. I want to be able to look after you no matter if you are walking, use walking sticks or crutches or hell even in a wheelchair like I was. I want to be there for you no matter what and support you the way you have supported me. So please don't give up on, for me, for Alison as well?" Luke said pouting as Noah looked up and smiled

Noah knew what Luke had been talking about as he had tried in every sense to make Luke see he would walk again after he's father shot him and put him into a wheelchair for six months. He Knew Luke would be there for him like he was for Luke. Always giving him space when he needed but most importantly never giving up and always standing by he's side.

"I know Luke and I promise to not leave you if you promise to stay by my side and help me through this. You too Alison, your stuck in this now and well your also my only witness" Noah said smiling as he looked over at Alison who was now smiling back at him, finally glad both boys had talked and had made up

"Yes ok, fine I will part of this relationship – wait is it even called that these days. Wow I just realised that I would be in a relationship with two guys, two very cute and hot gay guys who…." she said as she began to day dream away

"WHOA there girl, don't even get any ideas. Noah is for one person and one person only, and that's me so hands off or else" Luke said mockingly

Suddenly like before Noah was on the floor fitting with spasms' taking over and Alison and Luke trying their best to help him while they call for help…..


	18. Chapter 18

Title: Define Ok

Chapter: Chapter 18

Rating: M

Summary: You have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Noah woke up in a familiar setting. He blinked a couple of times, trying to get the feeling back to he's eyes so they could finally function normally. He suddenly realised that he was not at home, he's and Luke's home, he was in the hospital again.

He looked around, the room was dark with only small shades of light coming through from the world outside and from the hallway outside he's room door. He turned he's head slightly and smiled, as he could see a very sleepy and handsome blonde boy sitting in chair next to him, holding he's hand.

He looked at Luke, who looked very peaceful at sleep, almost like a baby. He was somewhat relieved that Luke was here and glad that Luke hadn't left he's side. The last thing he could actually remember was they where at home and Alison was with Luke. They where trying to talk about where Noah was going and Noah had finally decided not to leave.

Did he really do all that before this all happened? He thought to himself as flashes of memories came flooding through he's mind.

He tried to remember what happened after he spoke to Luke, but everything after he suddenly fell down was a blank. Like a black cloud came over him and wiped any memories he may have had.

That was the most troubling thing for Noah as it frustrated him he couldn't remember anything as such. The worst part is just not remembering what happened. Like a part of your mind had been erased.

He looked back at Luke and smiled. He was glad that he woke up to find he's Luke sitting right next to him. He was glad that Luke had not left him to be alone, as he wasn't sure if could now do this on he's own.

Yes it finally dawned on Noah that he needed Luke more than what he originally thought he would. He needed he's support because he was scared.

Scared of what would lie ahead for him, for them both actually. He knew he felt weak and knew he's body had become weaker with each day passing, but with Luke by he's side and just being their he found that he didn't focus as much on the weakness.

He just wanted Luke to take care of him like he would for him as much as possible. It would be tough on them both but he knew this is now what he wanted.

Suddenly the door opened and a familiar face looked upon them both. Alison smiled as she looked at Noah and then to Luke, while she checked over Noah charts and began to walk to he's other side, so as not to disturb Luke.

"I take it he has been here all night?" Alison asked looking over at Luke as Noah turned over to look at him too

"As far as I know, yes, but I have only been awake for about half an hour I think. Hey what is the time if don't mind me asking?" Noah whispered back to Alison as she checked her watch

"It's Seven am. Why what's wrong Noah? Are you feeling ok? You're not planning something bad, like running away are you?" Alison asked a million questions while sitting down at Noah's side on the bed.

"No, no, I am not going anywhere Alison. If you must know, it has taken me this far and long to realise that I need Luke. He supports me in every way and without him being there now twice....who.....who knows what could have happened really. I have him to thank for me still being here I suppose. So no I am staying in Oakdale, just not here in the hospital. I just wanted to know when Dr Hughes might be around so I can get some sort of results or an idea of what is going on, because all I can remember was you and Luke being at the house talking and the next thing I wake up here. It's all a blur to me"

"Hmmm what you have just said does not sound good. I know that you had a spasm and Luke was there to make sure you didn't hurt yourself anymore and keep you as still as possible while I rang for the paramedics, but that's all I can tell you, until you got in to here and we ran the usual blood tests, urine tests to make sure everything is ok. But I can tell you Dr Hughes will be in probably in an hour or so, but I will let you know definitely once I know. Now do you want me to order breakfast for Luke too so he can be here with you?" Alison asked placing the chart back down on Noah's bed and turning back to face him as Noah nodded yes in reply

"Ok leave it with me" Alison said getting up as she began to walk of the room, but before she did she turned back to Noah and said "I am glad you realised what you were doing before it is too late Noah. I am glad you're back together"

"Thank you Alison. Thank you for everything" Noah replied as he watched Alison leave the room and he refocussed on Luke as he began to stir.

Luke opened he's eyes as he looked over at Noah and smiled "Morning"

"Good morning sunshine, how are you?" Noah asked Luke as Luke stretched out in the chair

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question? Seeming as you're the one who is lying in the hospital bed?"

"Well I am doing great knowing you are here that's for sure. I want to......I want to say Luke I am sorry for everything I have done over the last couple of days or so. It has been one hell of week so far. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you and I have now.....I now know what an idiot I have been. Will you forgive me?" Noah said placing he's hand on Luke as he looked and smiled at he's boyfriend

"Of course you're forgiven. I could never stay mad at you and I am glad we have somewhat fixed our problems and gotten back together. Just promise me you won't shut me out like that ever again and actually talk to me please. I love you Noah and I want to help you in every way and form I can to help you through this ok. We will get through it together" Luke pleaded with Noah

"That I can do mister" as Luke moved in and kissed Noah tenderly, finally sealing the deal. Now all they needed to hear was the test results and to find out how bad things have actually gotten from the last time Noah was in.....


	19. Chapter 19

Title: Define Ok

Chapter: Chapter 19

Rating: M

Summary: Your will have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Dr Hughes, Phillip, Emma (mentioned)

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

Luke and Noah sat in silence, watching TV while eating their breakfast. It was good to have the old Noah back in some respects but Luke knew that they both still had a long way to go.

Suddenly the door opened fast with two people entering the room at the same time, making both boys jump up to attention and look towards the door frame where the two people stood.

Dr Hughes looked at both boys as he smiled. He knew what heartache they had been through over the last couple of days due to Noah's decisions and how hard Luke had tired to make him understand he would be with him.

He surveyed both boys and the surrounding of the room until he looked down at the chart he was holding. He wasn't sure how to break the news of Noah's condition to both boys and he was glad he called on Philip to assistant him with he's plan on how to combat and regain some strength for Noah's sake.

"Ah Mr Mayer, how is our frequent flyer patient doing today hmm?" he looked at Noah as he walked to the other side of the bed again looking at Noah and then Luke as he approached the top of bed.

"Yeah I am doing fine, but I have to say, the food in here sucks and I am dying for some of Emma's home made pie's" Noah said as he smiled and turned to look at Luke.

Luke gave a small laughing, only knowing to well that Noah had a huge appetite for Emma's home made pies. He would always have anywhere between three to four servings.

"Well I shall see what Grandma can russle up for you shall i?" Luke said as he beamed with happiness, finally grateful to see the Noah he loved come back to him

"And what about me hmm?" Dr Hughes asked

"Don't worry Doc, we can sneak you in some, but you have to share you know, because mine will be for me only…well maybe Luke as well" as they all cracked up in laughter.

Phillip the other guy just looked, he knew and sensed that there was still some worry in the air but he knew they where trying to make light and jokes, trying to deal with what news that yet had to be delivered to them.

Dr Hughes composed himself as he said "Now down to business shall we?" looking at both boys, the smiles slowly fading as Luke reached over to hold Noah's hand

"Give it to me doc, how long have I got?" Noah said trying to still make light of the situation

"Well I can say you have years to go yet till you join the um….what is it called….mile high club or heavenly club?? What do they call it these days?"

"Mile high club, Doc I am shocked. You of all people should know that's the airline business and code word for certain pleasures" Noah chuckled as Dr Hughes looked at him and laughed "Well, its been a while you know since I knew what the lingo is these days"

"Obviously" Luke let out, no longer able to restrain his laughter as they all again broke out into a fit of laughter

"Well anyway getting back to the subject at hand, Noah your weakness, has the feeling gotten worse would you say?"

Noah looked at Luke not sure how to answer as he said quietly "Yeah in a way, but I still feel myself, just when everything comes crashing down so to speak, my weakness in the arms, legs and back seem to get worse. Also my eyes tend to move around a bit without me noticing really"

"I thought as much. Noah I am not going to sugar coat this, but I do have to say that your condition has slightly deteriorated more than what we thought would happen in such a small time frame. Now while we could try certain surgical procedures that are…well in the experimental phase, I believe the best solution for you both is for some Physiotherapy, that why I have Phillip here to go through some exercises with you" Dr Hughes said welcoming Phillip over to the bed as he shook both boys hands

"Nice to meet you both, now as Dr Hughes as just said it's not going to be easy, but I think this is the best thing for you Noah. We can try some upper arms exercises to bring your arm strength back to some normality and some lower back and leg exercises. I also want to do some hydrotherapy as I believe and some reports have suggested this would be good for you and your back, legs and arms, as it would help to build the muscle strength in them. So what do you think are you in?" Phillip asked as Noah looked over at Luke, still unaware and trying to process what he had been asked so far

"Well Noah, I am up for the challenge, are you?" Luke asked as Noah smiled back and replied to Luke "yeah, yes I am" and he turned to Dr Hughes and Phillip and said "so when do we start?"

Both Dr Hughes and Phillip looked at each other and smiled, but still worried that there was a long way to go for both boys….


	20. Chapter 20

Title: Define Ok - Epilogue

Chapter: Chapter 20

Rating: M

Summary: You have to read to find out

Characters: Luke, Noah, Alison, Casey, Jade

Genre: AU

Warnings:

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

* * *

It had been about 6 months since the last time Noah had been in the hospital and he had finally come home after spending the first three months in Hospital to which killed Noah a lot but he knew it was the best kind of recovery for him.

Both boys had been going to Physio therapy and Hydrotherapy everyday to which Noah would push himself just like Luke did when he was originally in the chair. Luke would be by he's side each day and every time to not only help him but give him the support and courage Noah needed to get through this time.

The day Dr Hughes allowed Noah to go home was a celebration. The whole Snyder clan had been preparing for Noah's home coming to which their whole house was decked out in candles and party decorations and Emma practically cooked so much food both Noah and Luke would have leftovers to last them about 2 months, but both boys weren't complaining because it was better to be home than back in the hospital.

*********

It was finally summer and Luke and Noah where finally getting ready for visitors, their closest friends Alison, Casey and Jade arriving for a barbeque. Noah was having one of he's bad mood moments because the pain was getting worse and he was moping around the house, driving Luke slightly insane.

"Ok Mister grumble bums, why are you so down? Have you taken your pain meds hmm? Luke asked bringing over he's tablets and a glass of water to the table where Noah was now sitting at looking at film magazine he subscribed to

"No but if I do, they would make me feel so tired and that is the last thing we both need right now with our guests coming over Luke" Noah said looking at Luke

Luke looked down and placed the cup and tablets right in front of Noah as he leaned down and kiss his boyfriend

"You know Mayer, sometimes you speak such trash. First off they will understand if you have had to take your pain meds. They won't think ill of you if you did and secondly I would rather have the happy Noah then the upset one right in front of me right now"

Noah looked at Luke as he placed the tablets in front of him and took some with a mouth full of water. He smiled as he looked at he's boyfriend and now awaited for the meds to do their job

*********

The barbeque was now in full swing as he everyone was sitting outside on the backyard patio area tucking into a small feast of salads, steak and sausages that had been prepared.

"So how are you both going nowadays? Are you still going to Physiotherapy Noah?" Alison asked as she looked at Noah who seemed to be very tired.

"Yeah still going, have a lot of work still to get to some normality, buts it's better to be back on my legs, although using walking crutches at the moment rather than being in the chair nearly all day long and I do know that it will come to that one day, as in when we hope it won't be for a while" Noah said squeezing Luke's hand as he said "but it's better than nothing right?"

Everyone looked at both boys as Alison said "Yes well we are glad you are feeling better then when you where in the hospital. You where driving me and the other nurses buts asking everyday when you would be going home or if we could sneak you out"

"Yeah I know and I am sorry Alison but I have to say thank you. Not only to you but all of you for everything, without your constant nagging and well just being there to give me the wakeup call that I needed to see I was making a huge mistake. So Thank you is all I can say"

Noah looked at Luke as they shared a small but quick kiss on the lips as the other just watched, continuing to eat know what both boys had been through six months ago when Noah had just been diagnosed with MS and was making the decisions for him and for Luke without consulting he's partner first.

"Well all I can say man is that is good that you have both gotten back together and well going good as well maybe not as good but at least as good as they can be and that's the main thing dude" Casey said as he looked at Noah as Noah smiled

"Thanks Casey, that means a lot"

Luke then got up and proposed a toast as everyone held their glasses up "Here is to happiness and long last love no matter what life brings us or puts us through in hard or good times"

"Here here" is all that could be heard as the clanging of glasses where heard as everyone went back to eating their lunch.

Two loves brought back together in the event of trouble, a promise never broken and a definition of what ok is.

A definition of ok giving hope and strength no matter what the problem is.


End file.
